The Here Today, Gone Tomorrow Dad
As a mom, especially an overprotective mom, I have that need to shield my teens from anything and everything that can hurt them. Broken glass, boxes of twinkies, school bullies, drunken drivers, burning buildings, pubescent boys who only have their penis and girls’ boobies on the brain. But how, how do I shield my teenage girls from their father?
How do I shield them from the man that they remember loving them when they were little? I’m not saying he doesn’t love them now. In all fairness, I have to admit, I know somewhere under all that irresponsible, immature, selfish behavior, there’s a loving person. Unfortunately, my ex, never truly learned the responsibility of love.
Yes, love comes with responsibilities. Especially when it comes to loving children.
Loving a child means being unselfish and putting that child’s needs first. It means being there for the triumphs and the boo-boos. It means staying up late and helping with homework, getting up early on Saturday mornings and watching cartoons, running across town last minute to buy a new shirt for assembly and sacrificing things you need for yourself in order to provide them with what they need. None of these things, not even one, even while we were together, did my ex do for our teens. He doesn’t get that they come first. As a matter of fact, since our split, being a father is a past-time for him. Something he only does when he has nothing else to do.
For two years after our split, my girls didn’t see or hear from him. Not because I denied access, but because he was too busy with life. They were five and six years old when the split happened. I had no issues with him spending time with his kids and even though he wouldn’t cough up a dime for support, I still encouraged him and sometimes pleaded with him, to take time to visit his kids, because they needed their dad. His answer, for years, was if I felt they needed their dad so much, why did I throw him out. I don’t know, cause you were an alcoholic cheating bastard who was making me miserable and that was not an enviroment to raise our kids? Dumbass. But, I digress. Dad was gone and the girls tried their best to be brave and not show how hurt they were.
After those first two years and a stern lecture from a family member he started to visit the girls occasionally. My girls were happy and feeling loved. Every few weeks he’d sacrifice his precious time to make it to Brooklyn to visit them. By his admission to me, it was when he was between girl friends or his girlfriend was busy. He’d take our girls to a movie, buy them lunch, buy them toys, give them $20 each and then hit on mommy and mommy would send him on his way. The girls would also get a weekly call, mostly when he was drunk and feeling lonely and that’s how things were. The girls became ok with it and looked forward to his calls and visits. I was all too happy for them and couldn’t imagine him leaving them again. Some visits were better than no visits, right? He repeatedly tried to convince the girls to ask mommy to take him back so he could be with them all the time. This didn’t work. The girls at that age, still remembered how miserable I was with him. They didn’t remember the specifics, but they remembered the unhappy feeling and they compared it to us living without him and found it was better. Two years went by like this, dad was here, not all the time, but enough to make the girls feel loved.
With the girls feeling better, happier, I felt it was ok to move on with my life. I decided it was ok to have a companion. Someone other than the kids. I was 28 for God’s sake, I was a mom yes, but not dead. When my now hubby and I got together, this pissed off my ex extremely and he decided to punish me by punishing the girls and staying away. Not visiting, not taking their calls. He claimed he was hurt. He told the girls who were 8 and 9 at the time that I was breaking his heart and he had to stay away because he couldn’t bare to know I was with “that man” and he’d be back when mommy and her man broke up. Dad was gone again.
One of the reasons I married “that man” is because he is what a father should be. Reliable, responsible, loving and willing to sacrifice for children, even though they weren’t his. He assumed the role of father figure right away and my girls naturally took to it. They learned to love him easily and by their own accord started to call him daddy.
Shortly after being married, we moved to the Bronx. Better school system for the girls, easier access to work for hubby and hubby’s family was very good to the girls and accepted them easily and I wanted them to be in the midst of that. I’m an only child, I’ve never had a big family to offer the girls. For years all they had was me and all I had was them. I felt the need to give them more.
We happened to move 10 minutes away from my ex husband. Its the neighborhood where I found the best school for the girls where I could easily reach a train to work. The first 6 months we were here, my ex avoided them. Then one day he calls the girls. Gets them all excited about a visit. But, he won’t talk to me about it. He wants them to arrange it. The girls plead and beg, but then I make it clear to my 10 and 11 year olds, if dad wants to spend time with them, he has to be responsible and the first step is making arrangements with me. So he calls. Wants to see his girls. I made it clear to him, to intrude on their life now after disappearing on them twice would be selfish. They didn’t need that kind of pain. He begged, saying he was older now and understood that he screwed up and wouldn’t put them through that again. So he started to call again, would pick them up for day trips. Daddy was here again. Later I learned that he had a new girlfriend, one with a kid and his need to show her what a great dad he was would be easily accomplished since he had kids of his own. Then daddy’s girlfriend saw the same defects I did and kicked his ass to the curb. Dad was gone again. It was another year and a half before the girls would hear from him again.
Thankfully the girls were not so hurt this time because they had their new dad to fall back on. Hubby doesn’t mind. he understands their need to be tied to their real biological father. He’s just glad he’s there for them when they need him.
For the past year, my ex has been emailing them. My ex-SIL, who keeps in contact with the girls via email, gave him the email address after I told her not to. The ex asks, “when can I see you girls” and their answer is always “make plans with mommy”. Of course he would never talk to me. That is a sacrifice too big to make to see his daughters. But he keeps asking the girls to arrange with me for him and trying to seduce our youngest teen with the offer of gifts.
I’m torn about him being “here” again just to be “gone” again. The teens are 13 and almost 15 now. On the one hand, they’re stronger and have a loving dad at home. On the other hand, I have a need to protect my kids. Protect them against hurt, disappointment, a screwed up father whose constant absence can lead to them finding themselves lacking and maybe thinking they’re not worth his love.
We’ve talked about seeing their father and they “get how their biological dad is”, their words, not mine, and they’ve decided to make time for him when they have time, which isn’t soon. But may happen.
At this age, are there some risks that they have to decide if they want to take? Is it my role to just be here, if/when it doesn’t pan out.
Am I making a mistake? Should I just stop this now before he hurts my teens again, possibly damaging their confidence in themselves?
PhotoCredit:Renata Osinska via PhotoXpress
What a powerful post, and what a hard position–for you and for your girls. I am lucky that my exhusband is so incredibly devoted to Principessa….but still, the choices we make, the things that we decide, to protect our kids….are just difficult. It sounds like you have given your girls such a strong foundation that they have internalized the relationship with their biological dad so maturely. You have given them the best gift ever- strength and love. hugs to you!!!
THank you C.Mom. As moms, we all try our best to do our best and then hope and prey we’ve done our best and that it’s good enough.
Powerful.
I feel your uncertainty, your anguish, and your pride for your daughters comes through loud and clear.
And you should feel proud.
Your daughters have learned some valuable lessons from their father. How to weather
disappointment. How to discern bullish*t from real talk. Compassion, for their dad, keeping open communication whenever HE initiated it. They learned how to protect each other, insulate each other. They learned resilience, how to bounce back. They learned tolerance, accepting and meeting people where they are.
The list really can get long. We already know which of these qualities contribute to a successful adult…
It’s our job to worry, but your girls are tough, experienced when it comes to their father. They’re smart enough to know by now most of his ‘defects’ as you call them, yet choose to love him anyway because they have something else that’s valuable: YOU and their DAD in LOVE. (A play on “in-law”)
Relax cookie, you’re doing great.
Awww Tracie thanks so much for stopping by and for pointing out all the life lessons they’ve learned from dad. (at least he’s good for something). I’ve actually not thought of it that way and I really appreciate you pointing it out, because it gives me hope that their BS meter may be fine tuned enough from their father that they’ll know how to detect BS from others. Thanks so much Tracie.
Vanita recently posted..The Here Today- Gone Tomorrow Dad
Vanita,
Your girls are so lucky to have you and your husband. It sounds like they have wanted for nothing, are well loved and protected. That’s the most important part. Kids tend to know more than they let on, I’m sure they know that your Ex is a fool. I’m sorry they have to have their heart strings pulled and yours in return. Honestly, if I were you, I’d deleted their email accounts and got them new ones and forced the ex to contact you directly. He sounds like such a manipulative coward. It’s great your girls have your husband to show them what a real man/dad should act like.
<3
Diane
Deeds! I have missed you lady!
Thanks for stopping by and being so encouraging and supportive. I HAVE considered deleting their accounts, several times. even now i’m thinking about it. but i know, he won’t go through me cause he doesn’t care enough to make the effort and i don’t want them to learn about their dad from what i say, cause there will always be doubts. i don’t want him to be able to say I kept him from the girls and i don’t want them to be able to say i kept them from him.
my father is no different from my ex. (funny how i married a man just like my daddy and didn’t see it coming) my dad was out of my life when i was 8 and i saw him maybe 5 times after that in the past 26 years. what i know, i know because i experienced it first hand. the truth is, i may not have believed my mom if she’d stopped him from communicating with me.
it saddens me that history repeated itself. that the girls go through what i did, but i believe it will make them stronger. by 16 i understood the game and i only once more tried to have a relationship with my dad, when the girls were 3 and 4 years old. he’s only seen the girls that one time and never has he seen the tots. he didn’t care enough to make the effort. i let him go.
the girls will have to make their own decisions. it’s a life lesson i guess.
and even as i say this, i still have doubts, i still want to delete their email accounts to save them from the pain.
man, being a mom can be so bloody difficult.
thank you Dianne.
I am a girl who USED to have an absentee father. When I was very young, my dad left routinely. He’d be hurt when he came back and I didn’t know who he was. He left for good around my 17th birthday. It hurt to swallow for years, the pain was so bad. I was preparing to go off to college and I almost allowed it to stop me from doing anything else in my life. But I learned. I learned about people and their fickleness. I also learned forgiveness. I graduated from college. My father leaving contributed to me being the woman that I am. I don’t wish it on anyone, but your girls are blessed. They know where love is. They get what they can from their Dad, they bathe in the love you and your husband have for them, but most of all, they’re learning to love themselves. Their value or self-worth is not wrapped up in or validated by their father’s “acceptance” of them. That’s a lesson I’m still learning, so it will take them some time, but talking about it, a lot, will help them process it. I didn’t have that luxury.
Women are tough. Our past experiences make us that way.
They will be fine. I’m a witness.
Angel recently posted..It’s Late…and I LOVE IT!
Angel, thank you so much for sharing your experience. There’s no chance of reconciliation with my dad, at least I don’t think so, but it’s good to know that there is a chance for my girls. maybe their father will finally grow up one day and realize what he’s missing out on. No one can love you like your child does all they need is a chance to love you.
Vanita recently posted..The Here Today- Gone Tomorrow Dad
Amazing post girl! My dad and I haven’t spoken in 3 years I think. He doesn’t even know about Sam. He disowned me when I married my hubby because he’s not Jewish or rich and he believed he’d make nothing of himself. I have no wanting to reconnect with him for he verbally abused me my whole life and let tried to control me, which led me down the anorexia path (I could control my weight!) I gave him a second chance once and he screwed it up by meddling in things he shouldn’t have. I do miss having parents though (my mom passed in 2005).
Erin recently posted..Friday Confessional
its just so sucky how some ppl can’t appreciate how wonderful it is to have kids and how to appreciate that blessing. i hope one day he’ll wisen up and you guys can reconcile.
I’m late reading your post. : ( I’m sad for your daughters – that is just not fair. Thank goodness they have a step dad that will step up and of course a great mom looking out for them. I can’t really offer advice for I have not walked in those shoes. Just follow your heart and mommy instinct and you can’t go wrong!
Minivan Mama recently posted..ICE CREAM!
MM, thanks for stopping by! It’s never too late! Thanks for the encouragement and I can’t tell you how unbelievably wonderful it is to have a husband who knows how to be a father.