3 Most Important Rules I’ve Learned About Parenting Teens
This Mother’s Day was an eye-opener for me.
Both my older girls made me Mother’s Day cards and though the artwork was impressive, the thing that made me cry were the words written within. Words of appreciation and love.
It made me realized that my teens and I have come a long way since I wrote the post on why my children hate me.
Yes, my girls who are now 14 and almost 16 years old have done a lot of growing up this past 18 months. Not all the growing up that needs doing but enough to where we’re at a point that they know they can talk to me and I can easily trust them.
Getting to this point was no easy feat. We had four months of family therapy. Not only to shrink their heads, but mine too.
Today, we are open and honest with one another. There are no walls, though there are some boundaries and there is lots of trust.
Now I don’t know EVEYRTHING there is to know about parenting teens, since I’m still doing it for the first time, but here’s what I’ve learned.
1. Trust first. Once I showed them I had trust in them, they trusted me. Though I always knew my girls were good girls, I didn’t trust their choice in friends at the time and the way those friends influenced them. Now I trust them to be their own persons and make their decisions based on what they’ve learned from me and they trust me enough to tell me about a situation first instead of automatically assuming I’d say no and sneaking off to do what they want.
2. Listen first. I’ve learned that listening is a two way street and it’s not enough to just listen to the words with my experience in mind. I need to listen to the needs and feelings behind those words and ask what I need to ask to fully get a handle of what my child wants. My girls have also learned to listen and to ask “what ifs” and “whys” to try to understand the reasons behind my words instead of just nodding their agreement. All conversations and requests are still open and not acted upon until we come to a …
3. Compromise. Yes, in parenting teens, compromises have to be made. Though I want to protect them from making mistakes I made and I want to pave the way for them to conquer the world by making decisions for them, I have to let them do it based on their own understanding driven by my support and wisdom, not based solely on my experiences. I have to be willing to compromise and let them try new things, but with the understanding that I am there to support them when needed and armed with the knowledge I have on the situation.
These three little Golden rules go a long way and are now the basis of our relationship. Not every conversation is easy, but when I remember these 3 rules, decisions are made that we can all live with and our bonds grow stronger.
What rule would you add to the list?
Great advice I hope that when my daughters reach that age… I can put this into practice!!!
haha. i hope when the toddlers are teens i remember too! thanks for stopping by girl
These are great tips! From all I’ve heard, the prospect of parenting teenagers scares me. A lot. But you give me hope. Your advice is very sound. Not just for parenting teens, but even toddlers. I think even with my toddler, I must listen, trust and be trustworthy, and compromise. I’m bookmarking this now.
yeah girl i was scared for a while and then i let that fear rule me. hold on to these tips now girl, they will help you through puberty
So happy for you and your family!My kids are 6 and 4 so I have a while to go. I know it gets harder though because I have young adult step kids. I hope I can remember to trust, listen, and compromise! Oh and I hope I have those rare teens that are “easy” for their parents!
Ann, i can honestly say, i’ve know “easy” teens and the one i’ve known have been categorized as such because A) their parents were pretty relaxed B)their parents were too busy C)they were sneakier than their parents ever dreamed D)it’s just naturally part of their personality
I hope you get D!
A lovely post, Vanita. You’re a wise Mother.
I’d add “be their friend”, talk to them and let them know you are their friend. Always. Teens need to know that their parents’ love is unconditional. And as we bring them up, no harsh words or nagging, please. i say this because my 14-year old fella freezes when someone raises their voice at him. I’ve noticed that with many kids his age. They want so much to be treated like adults and it takes a very wise parent to blend authority with friendliness. My Mom was that wise parent – she could give me a look and I would know exactly what she wanted me to do. I don’t know when we transitioned from being just Mother daughter to best friends. And? We must respect our teen kids.
Vidya Sury recently posted..Activate your Inner GPS, Your Intuition
I love what you added Vidya, I would agree that being friends is a natural by-product of the trust! I would add: make a point of doing things that they love to do – together! How about going to a concert together? Lots of bonding there! Happy belated Mother’s day to all!
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wonderful advice Vidya, tank you so much. my oldest teen goes completely quiet if you raise your voice at her. you’ve really got to be her friend to know what the deal is
Lessons that are surely going to be handy in few years for me… I just hope I remember them…
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i can set my calendar to send you a reminder if you tell me what year
but seriously, even though we know these things, sometimes we still need to be faced with a situation and work it out before we actually learn it. thanks for stopping by Jas
Perfect. All three of these work together so well, and it’s good to start with kids as tweens, as I’m finding out. My stepdaughter responds so well to her dad and me because we treat her with respect and take her seriously. I think it’s easy to get to where you are wired to just react to your kids instead of cooling your jets, listening and discussing things with them. Even though in your head you think you know everything- the kid thinks they know everything as well, and that’s just a recipe for soooo much frustration.
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Exactly! I remember when I was 14 I swore I knew everything lol It’s great to hear you have such a wonderful relationship with your stepdaughter. I remember my stepfather treating me with much love and respect, but my stepmother, having teens older than me, was always so sure she could predict what i was thinking and since her kids were such a hassle, she never gave me a chance.
Very good rules. One’s I work on as well. I have 1 & 3 down pretty well. But the listening without pre-judgement is always a struggle. Also just listening and not needing to give advice at all. It’s so difficult!
I’ve enjoyed my teens so much more than any other stage of parenting. Is it perfect? NO! But it’s just the way I’m wired I guess. Give me teens over the little one’s any day lol
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yep that not giving advice part is the hardest part, but i’ve learned to let them make their own mistakes. well at least the ones i don’t see having a terrible impact lol
Yes, unless it’s really important. I try to remember that they (well my oldest at least) isn’t listening as soon as I switch to advice mode anyway. Then all I’ve done is ruin the conversation that was going on.
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is your oldest the one who just got her license? she is super cute.
Vanita Cyril recently posted..Where Chaos Takes Us
Yep. She’s going into broadcasting. She says she can’t waste that face. She’s a little lacking in the confidence department rofl
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